Something Amazing Out of the Abyss

Rittenhouse Square Park, Philadelphia, PA. Photo taken by Doctor Beauty using iPhone.

It appears we blinked and it was mid-November. Where did the time go? They say time flies when you’re having fun, but 2020 (for many) has been anything but. You know what 2020 primarily did for me (thus far)? It sent me into somewhat of a survival mode. Living below my means in many ways. Being okay with not having the things I previously called necessities, like fresh nails and eyebrows 24/7. It was more of a response to the circumstances at hand than a premeditated choice. The naileries and beauty supplies were closed for months. Everyone would see each other outside, men looking scruffier than usual, women with outgrown acrylic nails. But real recognized real. We each recognized “the struggle” in our eyes, even though we could not see the expressions of each other’s mouths past the mandatory masks.

I became far more than self-sufficient or resourceful. I became adaptive to a degree unknown to myself. And I reached a point where my creativity became a gateway to what was previously impossible. I opened doors that were once closed and embarked on journey’s I had wanted to start years ago. Imagine me, at 29, thinking it made sense to start playing acoustic guitar? Or submitting my poem to a pediatric medical publication for the first time? I stepped outside of my comfort zone the way a shadow leaves our bodies in the sun.

But I was not the only one who embraced this new call to self-reinvention. I noticed this attribute in so many, especially in the online community I became a part of during the pandemic. I was so impressed that I decided to give them a platform to voice their life journeys via my new interview series “Testimony Tuesdays”. It’s something I had planned on executing as a podcast years ago. In retrospect, it seems I have used my creativity to make something amazing out of the abyss that was a somewhat murky 2020.

So here I am, pretty much reflecting on a year that is not quite over but just about, typing through the odd sensation of the calluses I have developed over the past few weeks from practicing guitar. The road to 2021 does not appear to be around the corner, over the river and through the woods, or along some winding path. It feels as though it is just down the street but in an updated version of technicolor. And I think that is pretty exciting!

Thank God for the Angels

Do you ever wonder how much of our lives angels can see? Specifically, angels we once knew? Sometimes I find myself alone in my room with my thoughts. And then I wonder if there is an angel looking over my shoulder at what I am typing, reading, watching. Or maybe accessing my innermost thoughts without my awareness. I wonder if there are different ranks of access to our lives that God gives the angels. I get a vision of the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Yet to Come showing Scrooge all the families he offended. Perhaps that is the extent to which they can observe but not interact. And there are times when I lose something and am frantically searching for it, and it turns up in one of the places I could have sworn I’d already looked. And I think to myself, maybe an angel felt bad for me and placed it there.

As I gain more angels over the years, I try to hold myself to a higher standard. I know that God sees everything and knows my thoughts. But there is something different about an angel you once knew, someone who was once here on earth now with an aerial view of your life they were once unaware of. It puts pressure on you to try harder, to be better.

Maybe the angels don’t hold us up to a higher standard. Maybe they don’t have it all figured out yet, either. Maybe they just yearn to give us the clues that they can to make our lives a bit easier. Especially the guardian angels. The ones that salvage my phone and myself when my klutzy side takes advantage of my coordination. The ones that whisper consoling words in my moments of worry and doubt. The ones that celebrate the little victories with me when no one else does.

What about the angels on earth in physical form? The ones who enter our lives unexpectedly and bless us abundantly? If we are angels on earth, how do we know?

I am thankful for the bliss found in ignorance at times, because perhaps knowing the answers to all these questions could be frightening, intimidating, even. Until I get another clue or nudge in the right direction, I will keep living the best way I know how. And thank God for the angels.

A Different World

Last year, I declared 2019 as a year of sowing seeds; the fruit of which I would harvest in 2020. There was so much anticipation for the new decade on December 31st, 2019! The decade of practicing as a board-certified physician, the decade of perhaps staying in once city for more than a few months! The decade of stability. For the most part, everything has come to fruition. It really felt ALMOST like smooth sailing until those first few news reports about COVID-19.

Flash-forward to April 1st and it truly feels like a sick joke. If someone had told me that within the first half of the year, a pandemic would ensue, claiming the lives of so many, and practically shutting down the world as we know it, I would have laughed hysterically. And yet here we are. So where do we go from here?

I think it is really important for us not to lose sense of who we were prior to all this chaos. I, for one, had several rules and regulations for how I was going to conduct my daily business. And with the present circumstances it has been extremely tempting to backtrack. The fact of the matter is this can be toxic and detrimental to the success you have already made. Take, for instance, the undeniable isolation that many of us feel at this moment. It feels almost obligatory to reach out to any and everyone and let bygones be bygones. But during one of my usual musings, I realized that I do not owe anyone who I would not have spoken to prior to COVID-19 a conversation. Because once all this is over, and hopefully that will be very soon, there is THAT to deal with.

It is a time that has made me go back-and-forth about my duty as a Christian and my duty to my sanity, which I truly hope go hand-in-hand. None of us have all the answers. But we tend to do what makes life work.

And then I realized that all those great things I planned for myself ARE still happening. Just not with the ability to be outside as much or celebrate the way we would have before all of this madness.

So in case my words become a time vault of times long gone to a future reader, I will say this. Aside from the barren grocery store shelves that were once stocked bountifully with toilet paper and hand sanitizer, all is not lost. We still have humanity. We still have love. We still have life. We have the ability, duty, and right to express ourselves the best way we know how. All it takes is courage, wherever that may be at this present time. Find it, value it, and never let it go. Because when we can hug each other and be closer than 6 feet apart from our neighbors, I pray it will be a different world. One that has changed for the better.

A Vibe

As I write this, I am drinking a homemade green smoothie and listening to a new school neo soul playlist I made on Spotify. My, what a whirlwind the past few months have been. And April is closing out. I wanted to write this post about being at peace with yourself. It is truly the only way you can be at peace with anyone else or anything else in life.

Not only should you learn to be at peace with yourself, but you should also learn to be at peace with what brings others peace. Once we start trying to change that or judge that, we garner resentment over something we cannot control.

Learn to enjoy taking in the air around you, the sun above you, the grass below you. If you live in the city, appreciate the hustle and bustle. If you live in the country, admire the open space around you. Every day you get the privilege to see it, so take it all in gratefully.

Also, listen to music! I am a huge music buff. I get caught in these phases of what I call “genre seasons” in which I won’t play anything but the genre I am feeling at the moment. Sometimes it’s Vivaldi, sometimes Lion Babe, sometimes Mr. Eazi, or Pat Benatar! Every morning I start off with Gospel or Contemporary Christian. I mean it’s just nice to carry a song in your heart and soul for the day. It gives you hope and joy.

Just some random musings. I do hope you enjoyed and I look forward to writing more content soon!

Waves

This past Sunday, I took some much-needed alone time to go on a boat tour of the Miami islands. It was my second time; the first was back in 2017. I love being on the water with just my thoughts, the breeze, and of course the tour guide’s voice occasionally interrupting my train of thought.

I looked out at the mansions and the residents on their jet skis, the abyss extending out for miles, and took note of how carefree they were. Meanwhile I had a million things on my mind! Wondering where I’d be living for the next few years, thinking about my petty anger towards people who had wronged me but wouldn’t give a care in the world if I told them so. And how much I’d love to just RELAX without a care in the world like the people I was observing. That is my ultimate goal. To literally relax without a care in the world. Not worrying about getting up at 4:30 am to get somewhere on time, or so much about the consequences to my actions, just being free.

Of course there has to be a balance, but it’s nice to think about being on the extreme opposite end of the spectrum. And then I remembered something my reverend father said in church at the beginning of Lent. You can sacrifice everything tangible, but if your heart is not pure and light, and free of grudges, it will all be in vain. And I really had to check myself and ask if this was the case. What was I holding onto, out here in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean? And why?

I have gotten better at resetting, and telling myself to let go every now and then. It is not a constant flow of release, but the flow is there nonetheless. It just feels better not holding on to preconceived notions or expectations so tightly, and going with the flow. Just like the waves of the ocean.

What are you holding onto from your past? What elements of your future are you preoccupied with? Whatever it is, just know that you can find a space in this world to release that energy in a constructive way. Volunteer at a center for those in need. Donate items you no longer use that could help the next person. Patronize your friends with small businesses. Or simply take a day to bask in it all. Recognizing these anchors and being honest with yourself is the first step in living a more relaxed and fulfilled life. Sending peace and love out there to all who need it! And don’t forget to love yourself, too.

DREAM INTERPRETATION

Have you ever woken up from a dream that felt so real, you thought it was happening? I have periods of time when I dream, and periods of time that I call “dry-spells”, no dreams whatsoever. I have read several articles in which the writers believe that dreams are a reflection of our subconscious. Some even go on to say that dreams can provide a window into the spiritual realm. I am a believer of both.

This post is by no means meant to be scientific, but just a collection of thoughts and summary of my feelings towards dreams and their role in our lives. In all my life, I can say that I have had a handful of dreams that I still remember. And the reason why I remember them is either because they were super weird or scary, or because they were hilariously outlandish.

Some dreams have even caused me to literally wake up and PRAY. I pray over my life, my family, my goals, my dreams. To someone who may not be spiritual, this might sound like an absurd practice. But for me I believe that dreams should be taken seriously to some extent. Especially if you are of the opinion that dreams reflect the subconscious.

During our busy lives, our subconscious picks up on nuances that our conscious minds might neglect or fail to prioritize. When we sleep, our brains can make sense of these nuances, and string together what might appear to be unrelated thoughts or feelings. In other words, our dreams can provide clarity for situations that, while awake, might be foggy. This is probably the premise for the old saying “I’ll sleep on it” when we are confronted with an issue that might not be able to have a quick solution.

How about the dreams that depict terrible circumstances? Like danger, illness, or even death? If you are not spiritual, what do you do about those? Do you just ignore them, or do you feel compelled to do something about them? Do you try to Google interpretations about key objects in your dreams, such as bicycles, certain animals, or even certain time periods? Can you talk in your dreams? Do you see color or are they void of any hues?

Personally, I like to talk to trusted friends or loved ones about dreams that concern me, or those that excite me. I don’t think it hurts to try to at least analyze the components of this mirror of your subconscious mind. I also try to take these interpretations with a grain of salt. Sometimes what you do or think prior to going to bed can influence your dreams.

One of the most memorable dreams I had was when I was studying abroad for my Basic Sciences as a first year medical student. I was fighting a snake woman, a medusa of sorts. And I had a Rosary wrapped around my wrist and started praying, and she was set ablaze. I told my mom about it, and she said that meant that I had defeated my enemies (whoever they were). That dream was so crazy, I ended up fasting and praying the whole next day. I felt that compelled! I have also had funny dreams, like the time I dreamt that I met Ellen Degeneres while having dinner at an outdoor restaurant that probably does not exist in real life. I actually chuckled at that one.

I am interested in hearing about your thoughts about dreams. Please share them below. And if you feel comfortable, what was your most poignant one?

So Many Ideas, So Little Time!

Have you ever just had a period of back-to-back great ideas? So many that you did not know where to begin? That is currently what I am experiencing! I am an Aquarius and we are known to be very creative. But there are so many parts of me that I want to develop, and so little time, it would appear.

For example, from an artistic standpoint I typically express myself via my Instagram and YouTube accounts. I also use the aforementioned mediums to share the medical and scientific part of me. It is quite the combination of personality traits, to say the least.

Oftentimes I find myself starting several projects at once, and eventually complete just one or two of them in the time that I wanted. They will all be completed, but there is only so much time and energy I can devote to each one.

And then if that’s not enough, the sheer excitement of executing your ideas and getting the feedback you want is such an adrenaline rush! Finding joy in your potential and the potential of your dreams becoming reality is truly a life force.

I say all this to say that if you are in the same boat, don’t feel bad. Don’t feel like you’re doing anything wrong or late. Take off some of the edge by writing out how you will start and work through each project, and give yourself an estimated date of when you can achieve that task. And try not to announce your ideas too early, because that will put pressure on your creative process. It is better when no one knows your timeline but you.

Keep dreaming and creating, my friends. Someone will be happy that you did!

Accept, Consider, Demand

Last Wednesday God blessed me with another year of life. Most years on my birthday, at the stroke of midnight, something comes over me. I feel an overwhelming sense of purpose, maturity, and wisdom. But this year was not the same. And I wondered why. Was it because I was waiting and expecting this day to come? The answer to that was no, because that is exactly what I had done in previous years. So what was it?

I realized that year 27, at least as far as it seems right now, has prepared me for many years to come. Put simply, I went through some things last year that pushed me beyond what I was used to. I had to take a stand on all fronts and demand respect. I came to terms with the fact that I have accomplished more than I thought I would at this age, even though my checklist still remains. Above all, I opened my mind to situations I might never have when I was younger. I truly blossomed into the woman that I am today, that I will be for probably the rest of my life.

That is not to say that I will not grow any further. But I laid the final few stones of the basis for the person that I want to be in the future. Those stones include things that I will not accept, things that I will consider doing, and things that I demand as the standard.

First, things I will not accept. I will not accept being used for what I can do for others. I will not accept being told the extent of my capabilities as a business woman, future physician, or advocate for the community. I will not accept unbalanced friendships or relationships that compromise my creativity or energy.

Second, things I will consider doing. I will consider getting to know those on the “margins of society” so-to-speak. Because their experiences and stories inspire my pursuit of bettering the world in my own power. I will consider performing acts of kindness for those who I know cannot or will not return the favor. Because I know that my karma is not what they do to me, but how I respond. I will consider someone else’s point of view and belief system. Because I am in no position to judge others, regardless of whether or not I believe they are right.

Finally, things I demand as the standard. I demand respect from everyone, whether in a higher or lower position of power than myself. I demand the right to say no to being social if doing so does not serve my happiness or my success. I demand the freedom to express myself without being judged. I demand the Golden Rule: Treat me as you would like to be treated. I demand to be treated as the brilliant mind that I am, that I know we all are. Individually we have diverse talents, but collectively those talents are a force. In my 28 years of being on this earth, I have learned that what you demand of life comes to fruition. Be clear, be passionate, and above all, be sure.

You Don’t Always Get What You Want When You Want It

So what do you do when you do not get what you want when you want it? How does it make you feel? Does it make you believe that all your efforts were in vain? That you were not meant to succeed or be happy? Or does it fuel your quest to ensure that next time you get it? That maybe the timing was off and that in due time your goals will become tangible?

I think the first thing most people feel is frustration and disappointment. It is a bit unnatural to just accept in that moment. Accepting that you did not get your way sort of like a grieving process. You go from denying to bargaining, the whole nine yards until finally you accept your reality. But does your current reality represent your fate? The answer to that question separates everyone who endures this circumstance. The optimist is hopeful that this is just a temporary phase in their current reality rather than permanent defeat. The pesimist accepts their fate as permanent and will likely never try again.

Does this ideology work with everything you want? Sometimes we want positions of power. Other times we desire people. When is it time to go against the grain and try to force what appears to be unnatural to work in our favor? For some it has led to success. For others it has led to quite the contrary.

Is life easier when we just accept what comes to us? Just accept what flows? Possibly so (assuming what comes to us is good). But is ease necessarily good? Sometimes it is, sometimes it can be dangerous. Ease does not stimulate growth. We do need the tugging and pulling. The seeds that are planted underground and know darkness from birth might squint in discomfort when their first leaves see the sun. But they know it is good for them. It is necessary for their survival. The rain helps them grow, too, no matter how light or heavy it may be. Perhaps what you need supersedes what you want, and the ultimate goal is to want what you need. What you want might be fleeting. What you need is your power.

Finding Your Place

Emphasis on YOUR. If it truly is yours, does it need to be found?

This phrase has been used to describe a feeling of belonging and acceptance, mainly by others. But what if all along, we were meant to feel that way with ourselves?

I have spoken to several people in my life who told me that they cannot stand to be even 5 minutes alone at home. They would rather stay out all night with strangers than sit with themselves and their thoughts for even a second. Why is that? Why do we want to be wanted by others? For validation? For fear of abandonment?

This might just be an excuse, but I have come to realize that not all of us are meant to be accepted by society. Personally, many of the values that I have held near are frowned upon by others. I find myself having to explain them, when the fact that I value them should be enough (shouldn’t it?). To some degree I would consider myself a loner. Sure, I enjoy the company of others, and I am what you could call a social butterfly. I can get along with pretty much anyone. I am adept in code switching and mastering the humor of different groups of people. But when it all boils down to it, I often find myself alone with my thoughts. And the thought of that does not scare me at all. At times it makes me increasingly aware and sometimes cynical of people’s perception of my being. And that is fine. And of course there are moments that, according to society, must be shared in the company of others to reap the full benefit. Like traveling, trying new activities, attending events in town. As I have gotten older, I have come to enjoy experiencing those things alone.

I think it is important to learn how to be by yourself for whatever reason. It really is the only time you can reflect on “your place” in this world. We spend so much of our day being told who and what we are. By the media, our family, friends. But who do you say that you are? And how does that fit in with your perception of reality? It should not scare you. It should empower you.